Theme from the 2060 Olympic Games – Griddle
In today’s edition of things I’ve been wasting my time thinking about, instead of working on this paper I theoretically need to have done in a couple days to submit for a conference: Should Obama Golf?
Clearly he should not. And not just because golf is an elitist, classist, bourgeois game – although that alone would be more than enough reason. But there’s also an aesthetic objection. Namely, that golf is obnoxious.
Obviously the definition of what constitutes a sport is hazy. Basketball is, while Sudoku isn’t, but in between are grey areas. Still, I tend to think that to be classified as a sport, you’ve got to involve at least one of the following: a) running – or perhaps just aerobic activity, b) meaningful interaction with your competitors, c) the realistic possibility that you could suffer some kind of injury (non repetitive stress variety) through a routine process of the game, d) at least some elements of the game aren’t stationary.
Golf fails all of these tests. Not only do you not have to run, they have a little motorized cart so you don’t even need to walk. The only interaction between competitors is trash talking and the knowledge of what score you have to beat. The actual process of the game is identical whether there is one person on a course or 500. I guess you could get hit on the head by a ball or a thrown club or something. But that’s really stretching it. Finally, the entire game is stationary. You stand there over a stationary ball aiming at a stationary hole. At least putt-putt golf has windmills.
Oh, and golf courses drain a ton of energy, water, etc. while providing a depressingly limited exposure to ‘nature’ that’s mostly only available to rich people.
In conclusion, Obama should sign an executive order to ban golf courses and replace them with giant pictures of Lolcats.