I ran a poll this week. It started with one simple question: “If you could ban one single Christmas song – it could never be played, covered, or heard in any form ever again – what would you choose?”
I then asked for for voters to explain what makes the song so bad. This is obviously nothing like a scientific poll, but it produced some interesting results. Read on, and be careful about getting some terrible songs stuck in your head.
Christmas Shoes – 11 votes
This song is obviously terrible, with voters mentioned its “extremely manipulative and unimaginative lyrics” and calling it “mawkish,” “depressing,” and a song that “makes you feel miserable.” None of the voters mentioned the way it sounds, but the production is also dreadful and cloying. Given all that, it’s not hard to understand how it ended up topping the list. I do have to say, though, that I never hear this song out in the wild. I’ve only ever encountered it through lists of ‘worst Christmas songs’ or that Patton Oswalt bit. So while I can’t disagree with anyone who picked it, I do have to wonder if this would really be the most strategic song to ban. Consider some of the ones to follow, and then think about how often you’re subjected to them…
Wonderful Christmastime – 9 votes
Voters were pretty clear about what they didn’t like about this song. Some sample comments: “It’s just monotonous,” “Horrible repetition,” “Infinite ear worm,” and “It is unmelodic and repetitive and banal and GETS STUCK IN YOUR HEAD ANYWAY.” I can’t really disagree with any of those comments, though I have to admit I have a small soft spot in my heart for this one. Yes, it’s repetitive and obnoxious, but you have to respect the craft that went into to producing such concentrated dosages. Turns out Paul McCartney has a pretty good ear for pop melodies, even when he’s choosing to use his powers for evil.
Santa Baby – 7 votes
As one voter put it: “Who TF wants to hear a song about sexy Santa?” Another put it even more directly: “I do not want to fuck santa.” Others objected to the “cutesy vocals,” which…yeah.
Do They Know It’s Christmas – 6 votes
Come for the terrible production, stay for the mind-boggling levels of paternalism. Put it together and you’ve got a strong contender for worst song of all-time, never mind the Christmas limitation. It’s really that bad. As one voter said, it’s “problematic in so many ways.” Another voter noted several fundamental issues–from the grouping together of all Africa to the assumption that ‘they’ don’t know it’s Christmas (there are lots of Christians in Africa!) to “there won’t be snow in Africa this Christmas time.” Which as the voter notes, will be surprising news to anyone living around Kilimanjaro.
Baby It’s Cold Outside – 6 votes
As one person commented: “Where to start?” Several others knew exactly where to start: “It’s a rape song.” As one voter noted, it’s not even really a Christmas Song, but it’s so offensive that it’s probably worth banning just to be safe.
Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer – 6 votes
It’s a novelty song, and I guess it’s supposed to be funny, but it’s really not. Pretty much across the board, voters for this song focused on the pretty reasonable position that “Christmas songs shouldn’t be mean!”
Last Christmas – 6 votes
Despite getting six votes, this one generated no particularly exciting comments. One person simply said “It’s just a bit shit,” another only complained that it’s not really a Christmas song, and several others left no comment at all. So despite being among the finalists, it didn’t seem to generate the kind of visceral hatred that I saw for some of the other heavy hitters. From my perspective, this is an example of a nice song that isn’t done many favors by its most popular incarnation. The Wham original is pretty awful, actually, but the underlying song is perfectly decent. Check out this Robyn cover, for example, or this one from Jimmy Eat World. They’re nice!
Little Drummer Boy – 6 votes
This one generated a strong competitor for my favorite comment: “What the fuck kind of lyric is pa rum pum pum pum and why does it happen so often? Kill it with fire.” I find it extremely hard to argue with that premise.
Other votes
It wasn’t all doom and gloom. One voter voted for “None, they’re all beautiful!” which was lovely. Which contrasts with three respondents who offered some variation of “all Christmas music.” In one case the explanation was pretty simple: “I’m Jewish.” The others seemed mostly frustrated by the inescapability and repetition.
One person voted for “Any song that isn’t Carol of the Bells” and provided a pretty straightforward explanation: “Because Carol of the Bells is the only good Christmas song.” They probably will not want to hang out with the two voters who picked Carol of the Bells as the worst Christmas song.
Novelty songs received a fair number of votes, with the top contender being The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don’t Be Late). Some sample comments: “It’s by the chipmunks,” “the chipmunk voices,” “the chipmunks,” and “it’s obvious.”
Three voters picked Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, with one commenting that the “notes are in the wrong order.” I’m not sure what that means, but it seems plausible. In the same vein, Santa Claus is Coming to Town also got three votes, with the primary objection being the “threatening lyrics.”
My personal choice – Jingle Bell Rock – only picked up three votes. But I deeply empathize with whoever wrote “Why do Jingle Bells need to rock? That twangy guitar in the beginning gives me PTSD flashbacks.” On a similar note, one voter picked Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree, simply saying “It’s anything but ‘Rockin.'”
Finally, a few misguided souls picked legitimately great songs. Top of the list was All I Want for Christmas Is You. I would have picked this as one of the most universally beloved songs of the modern era, but it received four votes! One person didn’t object to the song, but rather wanted to ban the Justin Bieber version. I respect that as a tactical vote. But the others…I don’t have a good explanation. Especially the person whose explanation consisted entirely of the claim “Mariah Carey can’t sing.” That has to just be trolling, right?
And then there was the voter who picked Christmas Wrapping, objecting to “The monotone singing, the shitty lyrics, all of it.” Which…well, it’s a poll and everyone is entitled to their opinion. Speaking of which, another voter went for Fairytale of New York. You can guess how I feel about that.
Larger themes
One interesting theme from the data: the virtual absence of any of the classic Christmas music. There were a few votes for O Little Town of Bethlehem, Jingle Bells, and Carol of the Bells. But there were zero votes for Silent Night, none for God Rest You Merry Gentlemen, none for Hark! The Herald Angels Sing, none for O Holy Night. The pop songs of the 20th century did far worse.
Another common feature among many of the top selections is a brutal combination of catchiness and repetitiveness. That’s obviously the central complaint about Wonderful Christmastime, and a big part of why it ended up near the top. But it also applies to Feliz Navidad (4 votes), which one voter suggested “sticks in your head to the point you want to gouge out your ears with an icepick.” One voter emphasized repetitiveness in their critique of Little Town of Bethlehem. Another said the same thing about Jingle Bells. And actually, I’m surprised that it didn’t end up with more than just two votes. It’s a terrible earworm, not to mention an ubiquitous one. Seems like a prime candidate for a targeted assassination. Same thing is true for The 12 Days of Christmas, which also only got two votes, but is awful.
Several voters mentioned having to work in retail. Once again, Wonderful Christmastime is a prime target here. One voter said “All cheerful Christmas songs are torture when you work holiday retail but this is THE WORST ONE.” Another voter talked about their experience in retail driving their hatred of I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday, which can easily sear their way into the brains of the poor souls subjected to it.
And that’s ultimately the issue. There are plenty of obnoxious, aggressively catchy, horrifyingly trite Christmas songs, just like there are plenty of terrible songs in every genre. But everywhere else the selection pool of songs is much broader and more diverse. Walk into a grocery store for ten months of the year and you might hear the Rolling Stones or Madonna or Rihanna. Walk in during November or December and you’ll hear the same 150 songs over and over and over. Even if you like a lot of these songs – as I do – they quickly become aggravating when they change from optional to inescapable.
And that’s just for holiday civilians, who merely move through retail spaces. I have trouble even wrapping my mind around what it would be like to work in those environments. Especially when the Christmas season seemingly gets longer and longer each year. So if you found a few songs to loathe on this list, spare a thought for those living under the weight of their constant presence.